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Friday, January 15, 2016

Hatred

Do you ever feel unwanted?

Despite that people often see me as the person who always loved by everyone, know how to control my emotion and easy to pick up a conversation; I’m a very insecure person. And you will surprised on how many times I actually feel unwanted by the society.

Yes. I’m very insecure. I have trust issues. The number of people I trust outside of my main family member is zero.


I might be loud at voice. I laugh at anything. I smile over anything. When in the same time I am really worried about how people actually think about me. How they might misjudge me. How they might hate me for a reason I don’t know. How I can be left alone anytime.
I hate this. I hate this lonely feeling when I’m actually in the middle of a crowd. I hate this empty feeling when everyone is actually cheering at me.

I hate it.

So much, that I can explode.

I hate that I can trust no one to express my true feelings. I hate that I found no one truly understand what inside my head. I hate that no one ever stay for real. I hate that I can’t even be brave enough to love someone, because I can’t find anyone I can trust.

I hate it, so much.

And this is the first time I ever wrote something that full of hatred.


9 months before she's turning 20,

Sasha.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Bored.


Sometimes things doesn’t work the way you wanted.

Seperti siang ini contohnya. Gadis itu terjebak dengan telepon genggamnya, membuka segala media sosial yang ia miliki. Tidak ada notifikasi baru dari LINE, BBM masih sepi, yang diharapkan muncul hanya membaca pesannya tanpa membalas, ditambah rumah yang ia tinggali cukup handal melakukan tugasnya dalam menolak sinyal 3G. Ia bosan.

Ia berharap hari ini hujan; supaya punya alasan untuk membuat segelas cokelat panas dan duduk-duduk di teras depan rumahnya sembari menyetel playlist Nowhere to Go – Endah n Rhesa dari SONY-nya. Aktualisasinya, hanya ada playlist Endah n Rhesa-nya saja yang berdengung ke segala penjuru ruangan. Membuatnya, yang memang tidak punya hal yang lebih baik untuk dilakukan, mulai terbawa perasaan. Ah apa orang-orang jaman sekarang menyebutnya? Baper? I guess that is the word.

Ia teringat sesuatu, apalagi kalau bukan kisah cintanya yang ia rasa sangat menye itu. Yah, bagaimana lagi, bahkan sampai detik ia lulus SMA saja ia masih sendiri. Bukannya betah, tapi, ya, begitu adanya.


Tidak ada yang jadi.

Paling pol; nyerempet.

Begitulah kisah cintanya.

Masalah klise; tiap ada yang ia sukai, hanya bertepuk sebelah tangan. Tiap ada yang menyukainya, biasanya beda agama, lelaki itu mendekati terlalu agresif sehingga gadis itu menyingkir perlahan atau pada akhirnya akan ada kesalahpahaman dan berakhir ke friendzone. Sekalipun keduanya saling menyukai. Aneh ya?

Mungkin itu yang namanya nggak jodoh.


Atau belum jodoh?

hihi.

picture' credits: weheartit

Saturday, May 9, 2015

May 9th.

It's like 2 o'clock in the morning, and I can't get myself to sleep with the fact that tomorrow is finally the d-day.
The day when future seems one step closer.
I don't know which way God will lead me to, though.
And that suspense is killing me.
I don't know, I'm probably excited and scared in the same time.
I just don't know how to handle myself when 17:00 arrive. 
For now, I can only pray.

Monday, April 27, 2015

:(

Where am I in these circles?

Do I even have a place?

To be honest; I'm sad.